003: Re Engaging (A Reading List)

Background

It’s been a strange past few years. I lived in Japan and Los Angeles, worked for a few companies: some evil, and others just banal. But through all of it, I haven’t felt quite like myself since I burned out back in 2019. There’s plenty to unpack about how and why that happened. The most distinct cause, I think, was my desire to prove myself amongst the people with Ivy league pedigrees and engineer parents. This desire pushed me to work 60, 70, 80 hours each week, just to ensure I was outpacing everyone. The other significant factor was the constant feeling of disinterest I felt from colleagues. Nobody cared about getting better, nobody cared about software performance, there just wasn’t a sense of professional pride, much less one of deep technical interest.

All of this led to a state where my energy and motivation were incredibly low, to the point I considered quitting programming. What was once my clear sense of purpose and belonging felt like a weight. I was at my lowest point: living in a small apartment in Tokyo, away from my family and friends, working on a project I thought was pointless, solving the company’s self-made engineering problems brought about by detached managers. I started going to the arcades. From this I re-discovered my love of games, and I stumbled into a project which reclaimed my love for programming as well (https://play.date/games/gun-trails).

I still don’t feel 100% these days, but I do feel more aligned than I have in years. I’m taking better care of myself physically and mentally. I also don’t want to let others lack of caring dictate my motivation. Nihilism is boring, and I refuse to engage in that way of thinking anymore.

So, besides my personal projects that are being worked on, I am re-engaging to continue expanding my technical depth. If you’ve been having trouble in a similar way, I hope you will also consider coming back as well, we can make things better. Below is my running list I’ll keep updated as best I can.

Reading List